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Why We Shout In Anger: A Hindu Parable

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A Hindu saint and his disciples were visiting the Ganges River, where they found a group of family members on the banks shouting in anger at each Turning to his disciples, the saint smiled and asked, 'Why do people in anger shout at each other?'

His disciples thought for a One of them finally said, 'Because when we lose our calm, we why should you shout when the other person is just next to you?' countered the 'You can just as well tell him what you have to say in a soft His disciples thought about it some more, but could not come up with a satisfactory Finally the saint explained,

'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other, in order to cover that great what happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but instead talk very softly because their hearts are very The distance between them is either nonexistent or very And when they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak; only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their Finally they even need not whisper, they only need to look at each other and that's That is how close two people are when they love each when you argue, do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to beautiful parable says so much about what happens when we find ourselves in a cycle of anger with our Our hearts close and we lose sight of the fact that the person that we are so angry with is actually the person that we have chosen to spend our life The good news is that you don't have to get to the point where the distance is so great that you lose sight of each Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy we use a "map" to help couples slow down the cycle of reactivity that keeps them stuck and so far away from each Once we help couples to be able to identify the patterns of action/reaction they are able to slow things down and ultimately stop the But the work needs to It is not just a matter of stopping the cycle, and this is the beauty of EFT, it is about going below the surface and understanding what is driving the people shy away from the word "Emotion" but we are in fact emotional We are wired to survive and survival is all about We don't stop to think about things when we are faced with danger (be it a wild animal or an upset, raging partner) we react! Fight, Flight or Freeze- these reactions are what help us to act when we sense The issue is that these reactions don't always serve us well when we are in a loving Reacting from our natural survival place keeps the cycle going around and the surface we find the truth about what is actually driving the For example, deeper feelings may be about fear of not being loveable, of being left, of feeling We all have these feelings (or ones like it) and when we are able to share them with our partner we see a miraculous shift in the Partners soften when they understand that the anger or withdrawal is really about fear or People are able to reach for each other to comfort and connect when they truly understand what their partner is really saying below their reactive think about this beautiful parable next time you are upset with your partner and remember that you don't need to shout to be You can lean in, speak softly and truly express what you need and are Speaking to each other is what will bring you both closer together and strengthen your

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